Also, we don’t even get the thrill of seeing their demise both of them are killed offscreen via explosion. The snakes seem more than happy to simply skewer everyone with their pointy tails, with only one squeeze death in the entire thing (again – not a snake-centric movie), and they never do anything really cool. Since when do anaconda snakes seek out the closest structure with running electricity? And since it’s all CG, you could probably turn the movie into ANY escaped predator movie nothing about it is snake-centric.įinally, it really skimps on delivering big moments. There is also an unforgivably bad ‘rear projection while driving’ scene, in which our genius FX crew couldn’t even be bothered to rock or bounce the car a bit in the master shot, making it unnaturally (and therefore hilariously) still - despite the fact that they are driving an SUV through the jungle.Īnother big problem is that the film is about a pair of giant, rampaging snakes, and yet 90% of the movie takes place in the usual science labs, abandoned warehouses, and farmhouses. Like all these CG heavy cheapo movies, the damn thing’s size changes from scene to scene, and the animators’ attempts to make it “blend” with the real footage by having (also CGI) grass and branches get moved around a bit are laughable. Like, Lake Placid 2 bad (though there’s at least two shots that look decent). Speaking of the snake – good Christ it’s fucking terrible. By the time he’s finally finished, he’s had nearly three times as much screentime as Hasselhoff has had at that point. Yet here, since the film’s star is apparently filming Youtube clips, the eventual victim gets what seems like a full ten minutes as he walks around his farm, looks at his animals, enjoys a few fakes scares, and is finally (yet slowly) eaten by the godawful CGI snake. You know the kind from all the other predator movies: the snake/bear/shark whatever is loose, and after a bunch of exposition, we need a kill, so some isolated guy is introduced, hears a noise, and is killed, usually within 2-3 minutes of his introduction. Hilariously, at one point we cut to a typical victim scene. But even once he joins the team (his re-introduction to the story is hilarious: he pulls up out of nowhere, firing a handgun at the thing) he keeps disappearing at one point the four surviving folks split into two teams, and wouldn’t you know it – we follow the non-be-Hoff-ed team and settle for a single shot of Hoff and the other guy running through the woods in order to explain how they get back together later. He only appears twice in the first 45 minutes, and neither scene is essential in any way (one doesn’t even make any sense) other than to explain that A. Hoff actually gets top billing for what should be the “And” role (which is given to John Rhys-Davies, who appears only slightly less), and after a while I found myself being more entertained by how the editors attempted to make it LOOK like he was in the movie a lot more than he actually was. Now that the series has gone to the Sci-Fi channel, Anaconda 3: Offspring offers us David Hasselhoff, known cheeseburger enthusiast and star of all things lame. The 2nd was the 2000s version of a programmer – it existed only to fill a gap in Sony’s summer schedule, and thus we got Johnny Messner, go-to reliable tough guy who is seemingly caught in the limbo between the big and small screen. The first was a big budget affair, so it had Jon Voight, collecting a nice check and adding a bit of legitimacy and top-notch scenery chewing. You can really track the evolution of the Anaconda franchise just by looking at who plays the badass snake hunter character.
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